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Jokes (EN)

chris18

By chris18
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jimis1 Newbie

jimis1

Posted
Posted

if somebody know cheats on lineage2dreams.com  i can pey $$ for information pm on private msg

 

.::Spam section::.

 

 

.::Subject:: Jokes (EN)

 

DONT SP@M :d XD :) :p

 

English jokes

 

A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair.

And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful."

 

And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!"

>

 

"Me?", the bar keeper asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the meant lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the dgini appeares: "Ok, budy. You have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one million dollars!" The dgini snap one's fingers and disapperes, and all over the bottom are dugs. Small, yellow cackling dugs. And the bar keeper said to the man: "But I wanna have dollars, not dugs." And the man: "Do you really think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?"

Q: What's the main difference between intelligence and ignorance?

A: I don't know and I don't care!

Q: What's white and hangs down from a cloud?

A: The coming of the lord.

Q: What's the different between a girl taking a bath, and a nun?

A: A nun has hope in her soul, and the girl has soap in her hole.

Did you know that takes 5 babies to make 1 bottle of baby-oil?

Q: What's the best way to make a nun pregnant?

A: Fuck her!

Q: What were Christy McAuliffe's last words before the Challanger disaster?

A: What does this button do?

Q: How did they know that Vic Morrow had dandruff?

A: They found his head and shoulders in the bushes

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?

A: One, but you must slice him really thin.

Q: Why doesn't jesus like to eat M&Ms?

A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a vulture?

A: Laywer aren't an endangerd species.

Q: What does vegetarian dingos eat?

A: Cabbage patch kids.

Q: What's red and wet and spread for miles?

A1: Baby dropped through helicoper blades.

A2: Baby tossed in a jet intake at 30'000 feet. (Really spread around)

Q: What's the thing Jesus heard?

A: Cross your legs, we've got only three nails.

Q: What do you call big, ugly, hairy nun driving motorcycles?

A: Hell's Angels of Mercy.

Q: What do you call an anorexic with yeast infection?

A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

Q: What's one of the pros of marrying a mexican?

A: Unlimited supply of natural gas.

Q: How many paranoic people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Who want's to know?

Q: Why don't epileptics order Cokes at McDonalds?

A: They have the shakes instead.

Q: What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of sand?

A: You can't gargle sand.

Q: How do you get 5 babies in a shoebox?

A: With cuisinart.

Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first?

A: To see the expression on its face.

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?

A: Because they can.

Q: Why are womens ass's and cunts so close together?

A: So you can pich them up like a sixpack

Q: have you seen Stevie Wonders new car?

A: No, but neither has he.

Mommy, mommy, daddy just poisened my cat!

Maybe he had to dear. I know, but he said I could do it!

 

A priest getting ready to hear confessions duddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the priest said: "Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional.

 

The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Mary". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of relief.

 

The second parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vail - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!"

 

The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, "Well, two twinkies and a glass of milk."

Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."

"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"

"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

This little 6 year old girl comes running home all distressed and howling her head off. Her mother, finally gets it out of her between the bawling, that her daughter has been raped. The mother settles the little girl down, enough to get her to the police station, to report this horrible act.

At the police station, the sergent interviewing the little girl, asks as nicely as he can: "Could you please tell me what the nasty man did, so we can get him?"

The little girl sobs "Yeah, I'll try sniff, sniff"

Policeman: "Righto then what's happened?"

Girl: "sob Well I was walking down the street to get mummy some milk. sniff sob When the big nasty man jumped out and grabbed me bawl"

Policeman: "Yes please go on ..."

Girl: "Then sob sob he lifted up my dress howl"

Policeman: "then? ..."

Girl: "He pulled down my pants ... absolutely bawling now ..... no I can't go on ...."

The sergent then stands up from behind the desk wanking himself for dear life and says "WELL FUCKING MAKE SOMETHING UP!"

kuperis Newbie

kuperis

Posted
Posted

Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.

:D :D :D :D

  • 3 weeks later...
MrMG Newbie

MrMG

Posted
Posted

I hate long jokes... anyway im going to hit you with 1...

We have this one in Bulgaria since we have a lot of Beer Companies...

 

So all the owners of beer companies decided to meet and drink together for the best of the beer's future... so everyone ordered his own beer for example The guy that owned the Kameniza Beer ordered Kameniza [beer]  there was 1 that ordered Coca-Cola... Everyone was amazed.. why the owner of Shumensko Beer didn't ordered a Shumensko as well. He said "If you aren't going to drink beer, why should I?" .

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