Jokes (EN)

[chris18]

Post any English Joke in this Topic!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Through the Desert On a Man With No Ears   

 

     A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

 

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

 

"Yes. You have no ears."

 

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

 

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

 

"Yes. You have no ears."

 

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

 

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

 

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

 

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

 

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

 

 

[SLIP]

and how did he listen to the answers with no ears lol.????????:P

[chris18]

The Living Statues   

 

    Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

 

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

 

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

 

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

 

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

 

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

George Bush is so stupid... 

 

  George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder. 

 

 

 

 

Applying for a Job at the CIA 

 

      A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

 

    The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"  "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

 

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

 

    "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

 

    Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.  "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. 

 

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"    :D :D

 

 

[Blitztrager]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked:

-"Where did you get such a great bike?".

The second engineering replied:

-"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: Take what you want.".

 

The second engineer noded approvingly:

-"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[chris18]

Hired Help 

 

  A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

 

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

 

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

 

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

 

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

 

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

 

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

 

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

 

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

 

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

 

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

 

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

 

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

 

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?

[Blitztrager]

@chris18 Hehehe old but good joke :)

 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

 

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

 

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

 

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[chris18]

Ode to Valentine's Day   

 

  Hearts and roses and kisses galore...

What the hell is that schtuff for

People get mushy and start acting queer

It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.

 

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.

Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak

And wear all black for the rest of the week.

 

 

Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade…

For all they are doing is trying to get laid.

The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,

Because I think love is a bunch of $#!+.

 

 

So there's my story... what can I say…

Love bites ass... SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY!

 

Muahahhah :D

 

[eKoIce]

As We have a GR topic Like this...

 

Topic got Sticky.

 

GL !

[Blitztrager]

Hehe thx EkoIce.

I am sure making smile on others face will be good for everyone :DDDDD

[Blitztrager]

A man with anger control problem turns up for his first visit at psychologist's.

 

- So tell me what brings you here, Jack.

- I've got a fucking problem, I-...

- So why didn't you go to the sexologist instead?

 

********************

Wife and husband were sitting at a table at high school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

 

Wife asks, "Do you know her?"

 

"Yes," he sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

 

"My Goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[chris18]

Don't say this to a cop

 

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

 

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

 

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

 

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

 

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

 

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

 

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

 

14. Bad cop. No donut.

 

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

 

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

 

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

 

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

 

9. I pay your salary

 

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

 

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

 

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

 

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

 

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

 

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

 

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

 

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

 

 

 

[Blitztrager]

Not for ppl under 15 ;)

 

Laywers please do not feel offend.

 

10 Husbands

 

TEN HUSBANDS

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

 

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

 

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;

he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in Software Services;

he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from Field Services;

he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;

even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an Engineer;

he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration;

he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in Marketing;

although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;

all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist;

all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector;

all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

 

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

[chris18]

You Know You're Out Of College When... 

 

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. 8:00a.m. is not early.

9. You have to file for your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. You're not carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.

14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.

15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.

27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum. 

 

 

Small Joke: Yo Mama's Teeth So Yellow...   

 

  Yo' mama's teeth so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter! 

 

 

 

 

Top Reasons Eminem's Wife Filed for Divorce   

 

  --That comment about Elton being "twice the woman" she ever was.

--Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women.

 

--Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse.

 

--Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants...

 

--Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON.

 

--Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, "Faggot!" while watching "Mr. Rogers".

 

--Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35.

 

--I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!!

 

--Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum.

 

...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For Divorce. . .

 

--Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive bastard. Would like to try a poor, unknown abusive bastard for a change. LoL:P

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Blitztrager]

$10 000 For a Kiss

 

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

 

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

 

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

 

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

 

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."

 

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

 

"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

 

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"

[chris18]

  Tarzan, King of the Elephant Trunk  (That one is really LoL ;D) 

 

  Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.

"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

 

"Why's that?"

 

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moms and Their Snooping   

 

     Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

 

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

 

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our Four Sons   

 

  Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”

Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'

“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”