Jokes (EN)

[Blitztrager]

An older gentleman was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak! "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week." He picked up the frog and placed it in his pocket. As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message. "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!" The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out. "Kiss me,and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!" Finally, the old man turned to the frog and exclaimed, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

[chris18]

Sexual Olympics

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A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

 

"Silver," she said.

 

"Why not gold?"

 

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

 

 

 

 

 

Redneck Drivers

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The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.

89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!''

 

In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cross-Eyed Cow

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One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

 

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

 

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear God

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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

 

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

 

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

 

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

 

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

 

Dear God,

 

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

 

 

 

 

[Blitztrager]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

[eKoIce]

Of course Chris18 Disserve +1 for this FUNNY topic :D

 

+1 from me.

[Blitztrager]

100 Penguins

 

A truck driver was driving 100 penguins to the New York Zoo when his truck broke down on the freeway. The driver got out of the cab and was looking at the engine when a second truck driver stopped in front of him and asked if he needed any help. The penguins' driver explained that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asked if the other man would take the penguins there. He agreed. Some hours later, the second truck driver drove past the first one, who was still waiting on the freeway for help to come. The penguins, however, were still on the truck! "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."

 

 

 

A Business Loan  -

 

A businessman walked into a bank in San Francisco and asked for the loan officer. He told the officer that he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer explained that the bank needed some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out, and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. A bank employee drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

 

Two weeks later, the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 with interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for only 15 bucks?"

 

This is a very good hint if you need to leave your car in very security place for almost free ;)

[chris18]

Q: What cries and growls at the same time?

 

A: A baby being mauled by a Rotweiler.

 

 

 

 

Q: How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?

 

A: It depends on how thin you slice them!

 

 

 

The Office

 

Top 10 sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:

 

 

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

 

 

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

 

 

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

 

 

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

 

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

 

 

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

 

 

7. Plagiarism saves time.

 

 

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

 

 

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

 

 

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

 

 

 

Food

 

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

 

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

 

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

 

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

 

nibble cashews one at a time;

 

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

 

read books they have to hold with both hands;

 

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

 

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

 

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

 

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

 

lose their appetites when they're depressed;

 

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

 

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;

 

throw out stale potato chips;

 

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;

 

think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;

 

don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

 

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;

 

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

 

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

 

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;

 

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;

 

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

 

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

 

think banana splits are for kids.

[scovron]

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

 

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[chris18]

Computer Diagnosis  (Rly Lol :D )

 

  One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

 

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

 

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better." Lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Popular Mule   

 

  A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

 

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're So Stupid   

 

  You're so stupid, you thought a quarterback was a refund. ;D

 

 

 

 

Redneck Bubblebath   

 

  How does a redneck take a bubblebath?

 

With water, bubblebath liquid and a Jeff Foxworthy CD. 

 

 

 

 

[Blitztrager]

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

 

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

 

 

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened

>>his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

 

 

 

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

 

 

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

 

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

 

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel'

 

 

 

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[chris18]

Relieving Stress in Class   :O

 

  1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)

4. Address the professor as "your excellency".

5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.

8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.

10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.

11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)

12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.

13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends   ;D

 

  1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''

2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''

5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. ''Now how did that get there?''

8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''

10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''

14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.'' 

 

 

[Blitztrager]

One but really funny, enjoy

 

Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and

wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to

go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and

he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a

 

few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see

if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked

on the bed with her legs open.

Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet.

I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what

was happening".

So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?"

"No", said the InvisibleMan, "but my ass hurts like hell!".

[chris18]

One but really funny, enjoy

 

Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and

wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to

go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and

he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a

 

few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see

if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked

on the bed with her legs open.

Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet.

I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what

was happening".

So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?"

"No", said the InvisibleMan, "but my ass hurts like hell!".

 

 

Muahahahhaah lolen ;)

 

 

  An APB on God 

 

  A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

 

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

 

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

 

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

 

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

 

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Blitztrager]

Washing the Clothes

 

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests.

 

So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

 

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

 

"Tell her it's ok," says John. "I already did them by hand."

[chris18]

A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair.

And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful."

 

And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!"

>

 

"Me?", the bar keeper asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the meant lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the dgini appeares: "Ok, budy. You have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one million dollars!" The dgini snap one's fingers and disapperes, and all over the bottom are dugs. Small, yellow cackling dugs. And the bar keeper said to the man: "But I wanna have dollars, not dugs." And the man: "Do you really think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?"

 

Q: What's the main difference between intelligence and ignorance?

A: I don't know and I don't care!

 

Q: What's white and hangs down from a cloud?

A: The coming of the lord.

 

Q: What's the different between a girl taking a bath, and a nun?

A: A nun has hope in her soul, and the girl has soap in her hole.

Did you know that takes 5 babies to make 1 bottle of baby-oil?

 

Q: What's the best way to make a nun pregnant?

A: F*** her!

 

Q: What were Christy McAuliffe's last words before the Challanger disaster?

A: What does this button do?

 

Q: How did they know that Vic Morrow had dandruff?

A: They found his head and shoulders in the bushes

 

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?

A: One, but you must slice him really thin.

 

Q: Why doesn't jesus like to eat M&Ms?

A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

 

Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

 

Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a vulture?

A: Laywer aren't an endangerd species.

 

Q: What does vegetarian dingos eat?

A: Cabbage patch kids.

 

Q: What's red and wet and spread for miles?

A1: Baby dropped through helicoper blades.

A2: Baby tossed in a jet intake at 30'000 feet. (Really spread around)

 

Q: What's the thing Jesus heard?

A: Cross your legs, we've got only three nails.

 

Q: What do you call big, ugly, hairy nun driving motorcycles?

A: Hell's Angels of Mercy.

 

Q: What do you call an anorexic with yeast infection?

A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

 

Q: What's one of the pros of marrying a mexican?

A: Unlimited supply of natural gas.

 

Q: How many paranoic people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Who want's to know?

 

Q: Why don't epileptics order Cokes at McDonalds?

A: They have the shakes instead.

 

Q: What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of sand?

A: You can't gargle sand.

 

Q: How do you get 5 babies in a shoebox?

A: With cuisinart.

 

Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first?

A: To see the expression on its face.

 

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?

A: Because they can.

 

Q: Why are womens ass's and cunts so close together?

A: So you can pich them up like a sixpack

 

Q: have you seen Stevie Wonders new car?

A: No, but neither has he.

[dag0]

AJJAJAJAJJJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJ

 

FUCKING STATUES XDDDD

 

FUCKING EARS XDDDD

jajJAJJAJJAAJAJ VEry niceeeeeee

 

MOMs and their snooping ajajajajajjajajaja