Jokes (EN)

[scovron]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...".

[chris18]

A priest getting ready to hear confessions duddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the priest said: "Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional.

 

The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Mary". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of relief.

 

The second parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vail - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!"

 

The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, "Well, two twinkies and a glass of milk."

Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."

"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"

"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

This little 6 year old girl comes running home all distressed and howling her head off. Her mother, finally gets it out of her between the bawling, that her daughter has been raped. The mother settles the little girl down, enough to get her to the police station, to report this horrible act.

At the police station, the sergent interviewing the little girl, asks as nicely as he can: "Could you please tell me what the nasty man did, so we can get him?"

The little girl sobs "Yeah, I'll try sniff, sniff"

Policeman: "Righto then what's happened?"

Girl: "sob Well I was walking down the street to get mummy some milk. sniff sob When the big nasty man jumped out and grabbed me bawl"

Policeman: "Yes please go on ..."

Girl: "Then sob sob he lifted up my dress howl"

Policeman: "then? ..."

Girl: "He pulled down my pants ... absolutely bawling now ..... no I can't go on ...."

The sergent then stands up from behind the desk wanking himself for dear life and says "WELL F***ING MAKE SOMETHING UP!"

 

[Blitztrager]

F.B.I. phone logs

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

 

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

 

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

 

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

 

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

 

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

 

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

 

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

 

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

 

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

 

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

 

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

 

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

 

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

 

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

 

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

 

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

 

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

 

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

 

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

 

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

An FBI investigation

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

 

"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

 

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

 

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

 

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"

 

"Yep."

 

"Did they chop your firewood?"

 

"Yep."

 

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[chris18]

HALLOWEEN HUMOR

 

 

 

 

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

 

 

 

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

 

 

 

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

 

 

 

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm Rocky II."

 

 

 

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?

He was repossessed.

 

[Rismok]

Knoc * Knoc

whos there?

Me, i kill you xD

[Blitztrager]

W.I.C.O.E.

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

is proud to announce the opening of its

 

 

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

 

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

 

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

 

 

 

DAY ONE !

 

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

 

TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

 

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

 

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

 

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

 

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

 

 

 

DAY TWO

 

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

 

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

 

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

 

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

 

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

 

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

 

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

 

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counselors available

 

 

[chris18]

007

 

 

 

The British Secret Service is considering three men to be hired.

They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately.

The first man comes in and sits down.

"Do you love your wife?"

"Yes I do, Sir."

"Do you love your country?"

"Yes I do, Sir."

"What do you love more, your wife or your country?"

"My country, Sir."

"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes.

He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife.

The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, same scenario. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife.

The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

This is following by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table.

The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!"

"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle the bitch!"

[umberto]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope," they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

 

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

 

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

 

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

 

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

 

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

 

"So bust him," says the Chief.

 

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

 

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

 

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

 

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

 

Cop: "Bigger."

 

Chief: "Governor?"

 

Cop: "Bigger."

 

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

 

Cop: "I think it's God!"

 

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

 

Cop: "He's got the F***ing Pope as a driver!!

[chris18]

Eight Words with two Meanings

=============================

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.

 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

 

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[umberto]

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

 

    "Hold on to your nuts, this is not ordinary blow job!"

[scovron]

Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tiredof eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearingshabby clothes.""Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very samereasons."

 

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick! The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says " Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast." The man says " well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have." The bartender says " Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?" The man looks at him and says " Fifty cents."

 

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?" The man, not wanting to g et the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can''t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."

[RaiChan]

hah, too bad i forgot a site where are lotsa jokes ._.

will post some once i find it

[cosmos1]

Stupidity -  Winners never quit , quiters never win , but those who never win and never quit are just idiots.

[XaioXaio]

the first nun said, "i was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you

know what i found? a bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"what did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"well, of course i threw them all in the trash."

the second nun said, "well, i can top that. i was in the father's room putting

away the laundry and i found a bunch of condoms."

"oh my," gasped the other nuns. "what did you do?" they asked.

"i poked holes in all of them" she replied.

the third nun said, "oh s***."

[XaioXaio]

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back

together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly

mother.

 

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

 

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

 

The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the

Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that

can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had

to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it.

Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first

son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I

have to clean the whole house."

 

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all

the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

 

She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the

good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."